Trevor and Nigel are not their real names but to me they are the quintessential names for these daft southern idiots and I say that with apologies to all nice normal intelligent brits who happen to have been given those hideous and dismal baptismal gifts by unfeeling parents.They are names remind me of wet Sundays.Perfect for two Brits.
Trevor was married to Shirley.Nigel was married to Monica. Back in the land of value added tax and now bedroom tax Nigel and Trevor were neighbours with a u.They both worked in finance albeit at different institutions.Every August bank holiday the two families would go caravanning together to somewhere expected like the Norfolk broads or Southend-on-sea. Nigel and Shirley had two children
Edward and and Vanessa.Trevor and Monica had two children Roland and Tabitha. Both sets of children were exactly the same age give or take or month.That's just an example of how in-synch these couples were. Their British idyll was summarily interrupted though when Nigel was transferred to the Wall Street offices of his global behemoth bank where he was a successful money trader. He and his family bought a house in a cosy New Jersey suburb and life was very good.Nigel and family were devout Roman Catholics and took to the suburban barbecue culture with enthusiasm and every
weekend there was a fair smattering of semi drunken priests and monseigneurs chewing over garlic marinated London Broil and drinking Jaegermeister. After three years Trevor managed to finagle a posting to the US to the New Jersey office of his company and with no trouble at all managed to buy a house four doors down from Nigel. Live was fantastic.On the surface that is. The truth was that beneath all the smiles and `let's have drinks at my place' there were a number of snakes in paradise. One of the reasons that Monica had agreed to move to the States with Trevor was that old Trev had been sharing his love of women a little too freely in the neighbourhood and Monica had caught him with the wife of the man who'd bought Nigel's house at a party.They were in marriage guidance counseling and Monica had thought that getting away would help them get closer.Also daughter Tabitha was getting a little too precocious with the local yobs and Monica had no wish to be a grandmother just yet. While Nigel's kids went to private catholic schools Trevor's went to the state public schools and Nigel couldn't resist being all snobby and pretentious about it.Two new priests started turning up at the weekly meat fest.One a young Irish novitiate who had a knack for comforting old widows into giving him very nice gifts and at the same time had an overly friendly interest in teenage boys. The other was a former Presbyterian minister who had converted and brought along with him his wife and five children. The size of his family precluded him from having a church house to live in because priestly accommodations didn't usually factor in a Mrs and a squad of kids.Instead he got a small allowance that went nowhere in this rich middle class community.His whole tribe was squeezed into a tiny shoebox of a place and as if that wasn't bad enough now that he was Catholic he had taken the vow of chastity.Though he was allowed to live with his wife there was no way he was allowed to have any physical relationship with her.Given the enforced closeness of their living conditions that put quite a strain on Mrs Priest who had a mental breakdown and had to go into therapy. These two characters would be first to every party and the last to leave every time. Equally as party hearty was the local police chief who after a few shots would tell anyone who cared to listen how proud he was to enforce
traffic stops for drivers whose complexion wasn't the whitest shade of white.
So here we are in this corner of a foreign subdivision that's forever England when the other serpents
came out of the trees. Nigel seduced Monica,calling in sick and waiting until Trevor drove off to work
and Shirley was off doing good deeds for the church before slipping over the garden fence and doing his confessions of a merchant banker impressions. Seducing her wasn't that hard because Monica knew that Trevor wasn't always driving off to work.He too was calling in sick and then tooling around to his new co-workers house in a nearby town and doing the hokey-pokey until it was time to catch the rush hour traffic home.And the hormones were rampant in other places too. Young father to be Michael was putting the squeeze on Nigel's son Edward who was quite enjoying the attention.It was only the jealousy of his sister who didn't like the idea that he was getting some and she wasn't that led to Shirley finding out. Poor Shirley's faith in her church was rocked.Not as much as she was when Nigel asked her for a divorce so he could shack up with Monica.When she refused Nigel ran off with her anyway
but not before Trevor had taken a powder with his mistress.When the dust settled although settled is probably the wrong word,Nigel was living with Monica in a tiny apartment and had inherited Roland and Tabitha and an old farty dog and two cats. Trevor was living out of state with his woman and refusing child support. Shirley was flat broke as Nigel had cleaned out their joint account and refused to giver her any money until she agreed to a divorce which Shirley never could on religious grounds.The young priest was caught fondling another boy and quietly sent to another parish by the bishop. The Presby-Catholic convert had a mental breakdown of his own and left his wife with a parting gift of a sixth kid on the way.
That's the ballad of Nigel and Trevor. I liked Trevor.He was an out and out rogue and to see him was to know that. Nigel was...well what can I say except he was as Nigel as they come.
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